TWO PAIR OF SHORTS
AND SOME BRIEFS

Jerry Hawn

copyright 1987-89 - revised 2000

Table of Contents

Snow Night and The Seven Waifs--------------------------------------------------------------------  1
Thanks to Mrs C and Real Liberty-------------------------------------------------------------------   8
Spiritual Hospital ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 16
Did You Read The Manual --------------------------------------------------------------------------  24
What Is A Family? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 27
Angel Talk ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 35
Fishers of Men --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 36

Note: These scripts are all copyrighted. All rights are reserved.
Non-profit groups may reproduce sufficient copies for performance purposes.
The 2000-2001 royalty fee for performance of these scripts by non-profit groups is:
$10 for each short per year and no charge for each brief commercial when used with a paid play.

"SNOW NIGHT & THE SEVEN WAIFS"
Jerry Hawn  - c1987

Narrator:  We hope you will enjoy the play we are about to present entitled "Snow Night and The Seven Waifs".  The setting is Christmas Eve at the home of the Snow family. The Snows are an ordinary American family who are about to have an extra‑ordinary evening. Now let's meet the family: (As the names are read they appear on stage, straightening their clothes & primping in the mirror.)

	Mr. George Snow: head of the household, a committed Christian, and successful businessman.

Mrs. Elizabeth Snow: George's devoted wife & mother of their 3 children.

Bob Snow: Oldest child who has just gotten his driver's license.

John Snow: The middle child who likes to eat and looks it! (May be padded with pillows)

Sylvia Snow: The baby of the family, though not too spoiled.

(Dialogue begins)
Mr. Snow: Is everyone about ready? It's time to leave for church.

Mrs. S: Let me straighten your tie, dear.

Bob:    Hey, Dad, can I drive tonight?

John:   No, don't let him! I've gotten this close to Christmas ‑ I don't want to die & miss all the food and presents.

Sylvia: Yeah, if I have to wear a crash helmet before church, my hair will be a mess.

Bob:    You'll both be a mess when I get done with you!

Mr.:    That's enough, children. Let's get in the car, and in the right attitude for church.

(They all exit. Lights are turned off.)

Narr:   The time setting now changes to a few minutes prior to  the Snows return from church. Their home is about to receive some unexpected visitors.

(Lights are still low. Three figures creep in carrying flashlights. Lights play about the auditorium. Figures are looking for something. 1 & 2 bump into each other.)

Waif 1: Ouch! Hey, watch where you are going!

Waif 2: Me! You stepped on my foot.

Waif 3: (Whispering) Quiet you two! Do you want the whole neighborhood to know we are here?

1:(Whisp) Sorry. (pause) Where are those Christmas presents?   

2:(Whisp) Yeah, anybody with a house this big must have lots of presents.

3: (Whisp) Keep looking ‑ just try to be more quiet.

1: (Whisp) Right. Quiet.

(Several moments of quiet elapse as the search continues. Then a loud crash as 2 falls over the footstool.)

3:      What was that?

1:      Billy just fell over the footstool.

2:      Owwwwwwwww!

3:      (going over to Billy) Be quiet!

1:      Hey he found the presents! He landed right beside them!

3:      Hurry up! Put them in this blanket & let's get out of  here! These people could come home at any time!

(2 continues to moan. They busily load the presents.)
(Sounds are heard off stage: car arriving, doors slam, voices)

1:      What's that?

3:      Someone's coming! Hide!

2:      Ooooooooooww...
(The 3 run around looking for a good place to hide ‑ running into each other several times. Finally they hide behind various pieces of furniture. Then the family enters and turns on the lights.)

Family: What happened here? What's going on? etc.

Mrs.:   Look at all these footprints. What a mess!

2:      Ooooooowww....

Bob:    I hear someone. (Walks to where 2 is hiding) There he is!

3:      Run for it!

Mr.:    Grab them!

(Scuffle ensues as waifs break for door. Result: 2 is held by Bob by scruff of neck still moaning, Sylvia trips 1 and John sits on him, Mr. Snow holds 3 at arm length swinging furiously.)
(Younger members of family high 5 each other.)

Mr.:    Nice work, Liz, will you call the police while we hold them?

Mrs.:   (She pauses, looking at the three.) George, they're only children. Perhaps, we could do something else with them. (1 stops swinging to listen.)

Mr.:    Like what?

Mrs.:   Invite them to stay for pie & ice cream.

1:      (Face brightens.) Hey, I like the way she thinks!

Mrs: That reminds me, I need to check a pie in the oven. (She exits to kitchen)

Bob:    What were you three doing in here anyway?

John:   Looks like they were trying to steal our presents.

Sylvia:  Steal our presents‑ I say we kill them.

2:      We just wanted to get some Christmas presents, too.

3:      Yeah, we don't have any at our house.
Mr:    OK. Let them go.

3:      Yeah, get off me. You're heavy.

John:   That's my nickname. We're the Snow family. So people call  me "Heavy Snow".

Sylvia: (Poking John's belly) This is one heavy snow that has come from too many Blizzards.

1: (to Mr) Are you the rich dude that owns the shoe factory on the edge of town?

Mr.:    Yes, that is just one of the ways God has blessed us. (Mr looks down at 1's shoes) Speaking of shoes, we’ve got a problem at the factory. We made too many and don’t know what to do with the extras.

2: (stepping up)  I think we may be able to help you out there.

Mrs.: (enters with pie)  Bob, put this pie on the back porch to cool off while I get another one from the oven.

(As Bob takes pie to porch, the phone rings.)

John:    I'll get it.  Hello, Snow residence. ....Dad, it's for you.

(Sylvia enters carrying pie ‑ gets half way across stage.)

Mrs.:   No, Sylvia, not that pie. Bring it back.

(Dad in going to phone drops his hat. Waif 3 goes to pick it up. He bends over & stands back up just as Sylvia does a 180 ‑ he gets pie in face.)

Mrs.:   (continuing)....that pie needs more topping.

Sylvia: You can say that again.

Bob:    Better hold John back. He'll want to lick his face off.

Sylvia: (to 3) Come on I'll show you to the bathroom so you can wipe your face. 

(Mrs enters with another pie.)

John: (John takes pie from her.) I'll get the pie safely to the porch so we can eat sometime tonight.
Mrs:    Who was on the phone, George?

Mr:     That was Pastor Wilson. After service tonight, there were 2 children abandoned at the church by a very distraught mother.  Since we have a large house, he wondered if we would look after them for a few days.

Mrs:    Of course we can.

Mr:     I didn't think you would mind. So he's bringing them right over.

John:   (enters still carrying pie) Something funny is going on here.

Mr:     Now what?

John:   I took this pie out to put it with the first one. And the first one is gone!

(All turn and look at waifs on couch.)

1:      Don't look at us!

2:      We've been here all the time.

Bob:    Yes, that's right it couldn't have been them. I have an idea. John & I will go out the other door & hide in the bushes where we can watch the porch. Mom, you put this pie out there for bait.

John:   And we'll catch the thieves and save the pies!

Mr:     Sounds like it's worth a try. Go for it!

(Boys run off front exit. Mrs takes pie out to porch. Sylvia & waif reenter.)

Sylvia: Where are they going?

Mr:     To bait a trap. Do you hear something?

(Caroling is heard from back of auditorium."Deck The Halls" Carolers wearing coats, caps, etc. come to front singing.)

Mrs:    Come on in & warm up a minute....But leave those snowballs outside.

Mr:     Nice to see you Mrs Green. So good of you all to come caroling here. Could you sing one more?

Mrs G:  We would be glad to. Will all of you sing with us? "O Come All Ye Faithful"

(They leave singing "We Wish You A Merry Christmas". All wave.)
(Pastor Wilson walks up with 2 waifs.)

Pastor: That's pretty good singing. Hi, George. (They warmly greet each other.) Here are the two children we talked about on the phone. This is Joey & Hope. Now, children, you stay here with the Snows like I told you. They are really nice people. OK?

Mrs:    Hello! How would you both like some pie & ice cream?

Waifs:  (Smile & nod their heads)

Pastor: Well, I've got to get home. I'll talk to you tomorrow, George. Good night.

Mr:     Good night.

(Porch door swings open. Bob & John appear with 2 more waifs in tow. Waifs have pie on hands & face.)

Bob:    Snap! the trap snaps shut.

John:   We got them just as they grabbed the pie.

Sylvia: What do you mean stealing our pies?

6:      But they smelled so good!

7:      And they taste even better!

Sylvia: Of course they're delicious. I helped make them.

Mrs:    (to Mr) It appears we suddenly have a houseful of  wandering waifs.

Mr:     Yes, indeed. (to children) Now, all of you sit down & warm up. This is Christmas Eve & while the last pie finishes baking, it is traditional in the Snow household to read the story of a boy who lived many years ago, but who had a problem finding a warm, safe place to stay, too. Would you like to hear his story?

All:    Sure. Yes. etc.

(Mr reads Luke 2:1‑7)

Narr:   That child’s name was Jesus. He's no longer a baby. He's grown up to be the ultimate champion of all humanity. It's been said,"Wise men still seek him." And that he still looks for lodging today.....in the heart of every  man, woman, and child. Tonight if he is not your Lord &  Savior, won't you invite him  in? As Mr. Snow concludes the play with the scripture reading, won't you search your own heart and see if Jesus is really the center of your life?

(Luke 2:8‑14)

Narr:   Now let's stand & sing together "Joy To The World", after which __________ will give the closing prayer and you will be dismissed.

THANKS TO MRS C & REAL LIBERTY
Jerry Hawn  -  c1988

As scene opens, 7 children are standing together in a Sunday School classroom. It is apparent that 6 of them are regulars and one is new to the class. New kid stands off from group a short distance.

Mary: Who's the new kid over there?

Amy: That's my cousin from the country.  Hey, Betsy, come over here.

Betsy: Hello everybody.

All: Hello. How are you? etc.

Betsy : Is this where you have Sunday School class?

Monty: Yes, but it's only our cover. By night we are The New York Philharmonic in Z‑flat. Maestro Montovani at your service.

Jimmy: Oh, don't pay any attention to him. He's always that way.

Betsy: Does this class have a teacher?

Billy: Our teacher is Mrs C.

Crystal: Yeah, she's real smart and real old.

Mary: She's tough, you better listen when she talks.

Amy: When she tells a story, it really comes alive.

Monty: Yeah, you can almost see it.
(door opens & Mrs C with cane slowly makes her way to class table.)

Jimmy: Quiet, you guys, here she comes now.

C: Good morning children!

All: Good morning, Mrs C!

C: I see we have a new student here today. What is your name?
Betsy: Betsy.

C: It's nice to have you here today, Betsy. Have you ever been to Sunday School before?

Betsy: (Shakes head) No. 

C: Well, I think God may have planned today's lesson just for you. Now, class, please stand and recite today's Bible verse.

All: John 3:16  For God so loved the.....

C: Very good. Please be seated. Now, children you know that we often talk about the independence of our country. But today we are going to talk about another kind of freedom ‑ about real liberty. (Mary raises hand) Yes, Mary.

Mary: Are you going to tell us a story?

All: Yes. Please tell us a story. etc.

C: Just a moment, wait until we get there. Now, where was I? Oh, yes, I was about to tell you about real freedom. Not just on the outside, but inside freedom. (Amy raises hand.)

Amy: Does that mean like last week when I had diarrhea?

C: No, I'm talking about being free in your heart. You see Jesus left heaven and came down here to earth. (Betsy raises hand) Yes, Betsy.

Betsy: Why did he do that, Mrs C?

C: Now, I have a story that will answer your question. Once upon a time there was a farmer......

Scene shifts to center stage. 
There is a farmer plowing with a mule (cardboard cutout or two children under a blanket) while his son plays at the edge of the field. As the plowing continues in the background, the boy suddenly stops and looks carefully at a particular spot on the ground. After a time he looks to where the plow is and then back to the spot several times. A worried look comes to his face, and he runs to his father.

Son: Father! Father!

F: Whoa! Whoa! I said stop you old, cantankerous mule. What is it, son?
S: How much farther over are you going to plow?

F: (points toward audience) About as far as that oak tree over there. Why do you ask?

S: Because there's an ant hill just over there.(points) You'll tear up their home.

F: Well I'm sorry about that but we have to eat to live. And I have to plant this field so we can eat. Now, I gotta get this mule back to work. Get up there.

S: Oh, what can I do? (Goes back to ant hill) Those ants are running to & fro just like nothing is wrong. They don't realize that they're about to be wiped out. (Gets down on knees) Hey there little ant, you need to get away to a place of safety. Hey don't run away listen to me. It's no use they can't understand. If only I could become an ant just for a moment of time, then I could warn them. Then they could escape and live.

(Scene shifts back to Mrs C's classroom)

C: OK, children, what did you learn from that story?

Mary: I know! The ants stand for people like us.

Amy: And the farmer's son is God's Son, Jesus.

Monty: That's why Jesus came to earth ‑ to warn us.

Jimmy: He came down from heaven to tell us how we can live forever!

C: Very good, children. You said it very well. Now, Betsy, does that answer your question?

Betsy: Yes, Mrs C. But what did Jesus come to warn us about?

C: He came to tell us that there is an evil being in the world known as the devil. He wants to destroy every ones's life and keep them from God.

Betsy: You mean there really is a devil?

C: Yes, he keeps them busy doing things, good and bad, so they won't get around to getting in tune with God. A lot of people think they couldn't give up the things they're doing, and become a Christian. In fact, that reminds me of a time when I was younger. I invited three of my friends over for some tea.....

(Scene shifts back to center stage. There are 3 ladies sitting on a couch having tea. They are the guest of a 4th lady who is sitting 90 degrees to their left. Scene begins in mid conversation. Guests are laughing.)

A: (laughing) Oh, Millie, that was quite an amusing story.

B: Yes, I haven't laughed like that in some time.

M: Well, I thought it was funny too when I heard it. Pastor told that in church last Sunday.

D: Jokes? In church? You mean you have fun in church?

M: Well of course. That's what Christianity is all about. It is a very joyous and abundant life. Who do you think invented fun anyway? It sure wasn't the devil.

A: Well, if I became a Christian I'd have to give up all the parties I go to.

M: Does the feeling you get at those parties last, or is it gone in the morning?

B: And I suppose I'd have to give up cigarettes?

D: And I'd never be accepted because of my divorce.

M: Girls, you don't understand. Jesus loves you just for you. You can't do anything to make Him love you more. He made you. He watched you grow up. He loves you just as you are. It's not what you give up. It's the openness of your heart to Him.

A: You mean God will accept me just the way I am? In spite of all the wrong things I've done?

M: That's right!

B: I don't know. This all sounds too good to be true.

M: But it is true. Why not give Him a chance in your life and see?

D: Even if what you say is true, I'm not ready to give up control of my life to anyone else ‑ not even God. I want to be free.

M: The Bible tells us that the only freedom is a life with God. Otherwise we are tied up with the weights and bonds of sin. John's gospel tells us that if Jesus has set you free, then you're free indeed. The only real liberty is in the Spirit of God.
(slight pause)
B: (looking at watch) Oh goodness. Where has the time gone?

A: Yes, I really must be going.
(All stand)

D: It was such a lovely tea. Thank you for inviting us over.

M: You're quite welcome. But I really hope you will consider the things we've talked about today.

A: Well, maybe someday I'll be ready, but I'm having too much fun now.

B: Yes, it may work for you, but it's just not for me.

D: I just couldn't be burdened with all those commandments and things. I've got to have my freedom.

(As the 3 turn to leave, the audience is able to see that they are all wearing backpacks. They walk stooped over because of the weight. The packs all bear the label "sin". Ball & chains similarly labeled may also be used.)    (Goodbyes are said as the 3 exit.)
(M goes back and kneels next to chair.) O Lord, may their eyes be opened to see the bondage they are in........

(Focus returns to Mrs C's classroom.)

Mary: Gee, Mrs C, that's kind of a sad story.

C: Yes, but all too true.

Jimmy: Did your friends ever invite Jesus into their lives?

C: One did, but the others, well, the devil just kept giving them excuses to put it off. 

Betsy: If I wanted to ask Jesus into my heart, when would be the best time?

C: The best time, Betsy, is right now. Are you ready to invite Him in?

Betsy: Yes, Mrs C. How do I do it?

C: Just talk to Him from your heart. Tell Him what you want. Class, let's all bow our heads while Betsy talks to Jesus.

Betsy: Jesus, I believe you are real. I believe you came to earth to warn us and you're alive today. I don't want to wait. Please come and live in my heart now. Amen.

C: That's great. Welcome to God's family. (hugs her) I know God has heard your prayer and adopted you into His family.

Amy: Mrs C, God just answered my prayer too. I've been praying for this cousin of mine for a long time.

C: That's wonderful, Amy, it looks like God has been busy as usual.  He really is a loving heavenly 
Father. I think we have time for one more story to end our class today. Would you like to hear it?

All: Yes! Please tell us.

C: Once upon a time there was an old orphanage. The administrator was very mean, and the children yearned for a better life in a real home. Meanwhile in the same town there was a very large mansion. The owner was a very kind and rich old man......

(Scene changes. Old man setting in chair while maid dusts.)

OM: Angelene, could you bring some tea to a very kind and rich old man?

Ang: Certainly sir. Just a moment.

(As she exits, the butler enters.)
Btl: Pardon me, sir, but the gentleman you sent for is here to see you.

OM: He's no gentleman, but send him in.

(Btl leaves and man enters.)
Man: Good afternoon. I came at once when I received your message.

OM: Did you bring the children?

Man: Yes, but I don't quite understand what this is all about.

OM: Simply this: that orphanage of yours is so old the roof is about to cave in. Not only that, but your lease is about to expire anyway. Therefore, I'll take those poor children off your hands. 

Man: But, there are adoption fees and expenses!

OM: If you'll check at the courthouse ‑ you'll find that the bill has already been paid.

Man: You mean legally it is all settled? I'm out of a job?

OM: that's what I mean.

Man: Well good luck with all those rotten kids. Good bye!

(Man stomps out ‑ kids enter ‑ including Sunday School class)
OM: Hello children welcome to your new home!

Kids: New home! Yay!! What a nice place! etc.

Man: I'll have Angelene and Gabriel show you to your quarters and then we'll have a big feast. All you can eat!
(More cheers from children)

Gabr: This way children.

Angl: You're going to really like it here. The master is so kind.
(A single child stays behind)

OM: What's the matter? Don't you want to see your new room?

Child: Yes, but first I have to give you something.

OM: Something for me?

Child: Yes, I prayed last night for a new home where someone would really love me. And I promised that when it happened I would give all the money I had to help out on my expenses. So here is all the money I have. (extends hand.)
OM: 17 pennies. Now that's a mighty fine sum. But..(reaches out and closes her fingers around it) I want you to keep it. For you see, I have more than enough for us all.

(Center lights go out. All leave stage except for Mrs. C who is lighted.)

(She walks half way across stage, stops, and addresses audience.)

C: (slowly) Yes, ladies and gentlemen, over the course of a long life, I have found that He really does have enough for us all. God bless you all and good night!
(She walks out side door.)                           THE END.
CAST

Mary                    	Young Mrs C      
Amy                     	Woman A          
Monty                   	Woman B       
Jimmy                   	Woman D       
Betsy                                 
Crystal                 	Old Man
Billy                   	Maid (Angelene)
Mrs. C                  	Butler (Gabriel)
                        	Administrator
Farmer                  	Child
Son
Mule‑front
Mule‑back

SPIRITUAL HOSPITAL
Jerry Hawn

Commercial

A person is sitting on a chair on stage. Head down, obviously dejected. Next to him, dressed in black, is another figure holding cards reading: “depression”, “lies”, “persecution”, “deception”,”fear”. 
Announcer (walks on stage): Perhaps you feel like this. (Points to seated person) Now, thanks to a marvelous spiritual breakthrough you can get relief. Here’s how it works.
(Walks over to seated person.) Here take a look at this. (Reaches behind chair and pulls out a large cardboard cutout of a Bible - labeled “Bible” on one side and “Energizer Habit” on the other.) (Holds it so “Bible” lettering is facing audience.) (Dark figure is waving it away. Gives thumbs down, etc to keep him from reading it) (As person reads, begins to sit straighter, smiles, and then jumps to feet. He then takes Bible and begins to beat dark figure. Figure cringes and then runs off stage. Person goes back to reading.)
If you’ll take a dose of God’s Word everyday you can run off fear and depression too. By doing it every day you can develop what we call the “Energizer Habit”. (Person flips cardboard so audience now reads “Energizer Habit”)(Dark figure sneaks in from behind person and starts waving cards around him again. Person turns around and chases figure around stage and finally through audience and exit. May want to play the theme from Rocky or other upbeat music.)
(While this is going on, announcer delivers lines:) Continuing in God’s Word will bring a freedom that will stick with you. It will last and last and last. So you can keep going and going and going and going...

Announcer: Welcome to another episode of Spiritual Hospital.  The soap that has really been cleaned up.  So much so that the staff here are all angels. They can deal with any affliction, but they specialize in heart problems. As you remember, at the end of our last episode Amy was just saying to Beth Ann:

Amy: I want you to fully understand what you’re doing. What you’re choosing is no bed of petunias. The way will be very difficult at times. It’s no life for the wimpy. But of course the advantages far outweigh the struggles. Inviting Jesus Christ into your life is the noblest and most exciting thing anyone can do.

Beth: Yes, I’ve thought about it very carefully for some time now, and that’s what I want to do. I’ve tried everything the world has to offer, and it just seems so empty. There must be something more.

Amy: There’s a great deal more. Would you like me to lead you in prayer?

B: Yes, go ahead.

A: Dear Father

B: Dear Father

A: I believe your Son Jesus came to die for me

B: I believe your Son Jesus came to die for me

A: I believe He rose from the dead and is alive today

B: (she repeats)

A: I now trade my sinful heart and life for His purity and life eternal

B: (she repeats)

A: Jesus, I ask you to be Lord of all my life

B: (she repeats)
 
(As the above prayer begins, two white-clad figures walk in. After the above lines, they pick up Beth and carry her to the operating table. Operating staff of angels are also dressed in white. )

Head Surgeon: Before we start, let me remind you observers - if you have any questions, please ask them, you’ll be doing these operations yourself pretty soon.

Nurse 1: Doctor, why are we training so many new staff members? This is the fifth group this week.

HS: Headquarters is expecting a whole wave of these operations to be taking place in the near future. So we must be ready.

Observer: Why aren’t we wearing surgical masks?

HS: If you did the audience couldn’t see your beautiful smiles. (All turn to audience and smile.) Besides no germ would dare come in here.

Nurse 2: OK, Doctor, we’re ready to begin.

HS: Dr White, please make the incision. (He uses large hand saw.) You’ve always had a flair for the dramatic. (He pulls at incision - enlarging the opening.) Now, I want you all to look in the chest cavity and see an unregenerate heart.
All: (Looking in) Gross! Ugly! (Shake heads) Yuck! Rotten! Terrible! (Etc) She looked so sweet on the outside.

HS: Yes, it’s not very pretty in there. Looks like we got it just in time. Doctor, would you please remove the heart. (He pulls out dark rock - it has a string attached)

Dr W: Another heart of stone. Before we can replace it, we must also remove all the cancerous tissue attached to it. I will now pull out the first cancer. (Pulls on string. Out comes a CD.)

N 1: Oh, there’s something deadly - “bad news” music.  It encourages drug use, suicide, alcohol abuse, sex outside marriage, and violence. Doctor, what kind of music cancer is it?

Dr W: It doesn’t really matter. Any mutant form - from heavy metal to county and western - can kill. You see the cancers are mutant cells of the real thing. They’re good cells that have been changed and distorted. Music was designed to have life-sustaining lyrics, to bring peace and health to people. But without those words of life, they’re sold off to an unsuspecting people to destroy them.

HS: Yes, this kind of cancer is very serious, but there are others ones in there that we need to remove. Nurse, go ahead and pull out the next one.

N 1: (Pulls string. Out comes a book titled “Secular Humanism”) Oh, Doctor, look at this!

HS: Yes, the patient probably picked this up in her school days. There is a lot of flaky stuff floating around some schools these days - and I’m not talking about asbestos either. This idea - that man is continually evolving and is his own god - is very deadly.

Dr W: It is also contrary to scientific and historical fact. What a deception!

HS: There are some encouraging signs that the incidence of this cancer is declining. It is due to the rise of many Christian schools springing up everywhere.

N 1: (Pulling on string) Doctor, this next one seems to be stuck!

Dr W: (Peering into chest cavity) Nurse, it’s dark in here. Get me a light.
(Nurse still pulling on string - can pops out labeled “Lite Beer”)
No, nurse, I wanted God’s light. This is just another cheap, temporary imitation of the real feeling you get with a new heart.

HS: And with God’s light, there’s no hangover.

Dr W: (Looking in) There’s just one more cancer to remove, but it’s a nasty one.
Observer: What kind is it?

Dr W: It is fear. What can one of you observers tell us about fear?

Obs: The Book says that in the last days men’s hearts will fail them for fear of things coming upon the earth. They can lose hope or have such hardening of the attitudes that they’re afraid to try a new heart. Then the old stony heart fails.

Dr W: Well said. Nurse, go ahead and see if you can pull it out.
(As the string is pulled, patient’s leg bends at the knee. When string is released - leg falls flat on table. Several pulls are needed. Final pulls with several people pulling together. With final pull rubber chicken pops out.)

HS: Well, now that the fear is removed this patient needn’t ever be chicken-hearted again. She can have courage to go against the flow of the world and to do what’s right.

Dr W: Nurse, what’s the condition of the patient?

Nurse 2: The patient needs blood.

Dr W: That’s no problem. We have a donor who supplied all that’s necessary many years ago. Give the patient the blood.

HS: Now it’s time for the new heart.
(Observer hands him heart of flesh - possibly a small red pillow. He admires it.)
Ah, a new, perfect heart. A soft heart - untainted by the world. Free of cancerous growth. Designed to pump the life-giving blood throughout the body.
(He hands heart to Dr W who puts it in patient.)

Dr W: OK, time to close up. Notice that we use staples instead of thread. 
(4 of 5 of the angels hold up ordinary desk staplers and smile broadly.)
And we’re very fast. Go!
(They all staple furiously for 5 seconds and then stand back.)
Nurse, how is the patient?

N 2: The blood has done its work and the heart is beating normally.

HS: The operation is now complete. Orderlies, return this patient to the front lines.
(They pick up patient and take her back to her original position.)

Orderly 1: How long does the operation take? Why aren’t the people missed when we carry them off?
Orderly 2: That’s why the pastor always tells the people to close their eyes during the salvation prayer.

O 1: Really?

O 2: No, actually in people time it all happens in the twinkling of an eye. But the difference is eternal.
(They are now back to the spot and put her back in place.)

O 1: You’re right! They’re at the same place in the prayer when we made the pickup.

A: Thank you for giving me a brand new heart. 

B: (repeats)

A: In Jesus name, Amen.

B: (repeats)
(They open eyes and smile at each other)
(Dark figure sneaks on stage and waves cards around girls. Upbeat music is heard. Person holding “Energizer Habit” runs on stage and chases figure away. Amy and Beth freeze and seem not to notice.
Announcer: And going and going and going.....

A: You may or may not feel any different, Beth Ann, but God has given you a brand new heart.

B: From the Bible, I know that’s true. Now from my own experience I sense my heart changed - warm and clean.

A: Let’s stop by the church on the way home and tell the pastor about your decision.

B: Sure. Let’s go.
(They exit)

O 2: How wonderful to see another successful operation.

O 1: Yes, it sure is.

O 2: Well, let’s follow close behind them. We may be needed further before this day is over. The enemy will be angry and try to steal the gift she has been given.
(They exit.)

 ----------- Commercial -----------

Announcer: (Holding up box marked “Prayer”)
Did you start your day off right? Along with your Wheaties and vitamins, did you have a hearty dose of “Prayer” this morning?
Did I hear someone out there say, “I don’t need it!”?

Chef: (Sitting out in audience, suddenly jumps up and moves toward front. He talks with heavy Italian accent.)  That’s a right. I don’na need it!

An: Well, let’s just take a look at your day with “Prayer” (holds up box) and your day without it. Sir, if you’ll just come up here, please. (He comes up.) Would you tell the audience your occupation?

C: I’m a da chef at the finest Italian restorante in Chicago!

An: If you would have had a nice helping of “Prayer” (holds up box) this morning, your day could have been like this:

Scene shifts to a kitchen - a table with some pots and pans and other kitchen items.
Chef and helper are busy cooking. They work and hum some Italian songs for some moments before dialogue begins.

C: Hey, Mozarella! I need a some help. Bring your buns and come over here.

M: I’m a makin’ pastry, not buns.  Wait just un momento, I’m almost a finished.

C: (With anger) But the spaghetti has to come out right now!
(Both turn and glare at each other.)

Offstage voice: (Reads Prov 14:29, 15:1(LB), and James 1:19-20)

(Chef is initially surprised by voice; then message sinks in. His countenance softens.)
C: Sorry, Mozarella. You’ve been working hard all day, too. Let me set this aside and get that spaghetti myself. (He takes pan off stove.)

M: Sorry, chief. You’ve been very patient with me lately. (Pause) If you want to take a break, I’ll make up the ravioli.

C: Moz, we’ve both been under a lot of pressure with this truck driver’s (or fill in a group you would like to tease) convention going on. Those people sure do eat a lot.

M: Yeah, especially pie. (Holds one up)

C: How about dis?  We work a together on da ravioli, and den we both a take a break, and I’ll tell ya how I gotta more patience.

M: It’s a deal. (High five)
(Scene ends. Chef returns and stands next to announcer.)

An: Now, Mr Chief Chef, that’s how it could have been if you had been taking a dose of “Prayer” (holds up box) every day. But that’s not how things went today, was it?

C: (Looks down) No, not really.

An: Let’s see what really happened.

(Chef returns to kitchen and scene starts as before. Pick up at place where they are glaring at each other.)
M: You getta da spaghetti! I’m doin’ this!

C: Don’t talk to da greatest chef in Chicago lika dat, ya little meatball!

M: Hey, it’s little Mozarella (points to self) that makes you a big cheese. I do all the work around here! Just look at dis beautiful pie I just made. It’s magnifique!

C: (approaches him) Why you ungrateful slime. You couldn’t even boil water when you started working for me. And look. (Points to pie) You messed up da design on a top of dat pie!

M: Could it be? If so, it’s only because I forgot my glasses at home today. (Bends down - looking closely at pie) I don’t see anything wrong.

C: You will now! (Pushes face in) 
(C laughs for a while, then begins to sniff the air)
What is burning? (Turns and goes to stove) My spaghetti! It is ruined!

(While this is going on, M wipes face. Picks up skillet. C has back to him. Walks up behind C and hits him on head. C turns to audience with dazed look and falls to floor.)
M: Well, if you’re a gonna take a break - so will I. (He exits)

An: and there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Another true life experience that proves that “Prayer” (holds up box) really does work. Pick up some at your local church, take it home, and use it daily. You’ll be glad you did!

Announcer: And now we return for today’s final scene of “Spiritual Hospital”:

(Two white-clad figures enter and begin cleaning up the operating room)
C1: Looks like its you and me on the cleanup crew tonight.

C2: It sure is messy after surgery.

C1:Look at all the blood and guts.

C1: Well, I don’t mind cleaning up after a new heart has been put in.

C2: No, you’re right. In fact, if we hurry we won’t miss the start of the party.

C1: Let’s just scrape all this gross stuff into these two buckets.
(They work for a while, making small talk and commenting on the gross things being put into the buckets.)

C2: Well, that pretty well does it.

C1: Yeah, let’s dump these buckets and go party with the other angels.
(Each carry bucket to front of stage and throw contents into audience. Contents are red cards.)

C2: Well, look at that. It must be almost Christmas.

C1: Why do you say that? 

C2: Because at the first Christmas the Word became flesh and blood.  Now flesh and blood have turned into words.
(He picks up a card)

C1: What does it say?

C2: (Reads John 1:10-14) 
C1: God bless you all,  have a Merry Christmas, and may Jesus live big in your heart! 
(They exit)
(Dark figure is chased across stage by person with “Energizer”)
Announcer: Keep going and going andgoing.........

The End

DID YOU READ THE MANUAL?
Jerry Hawn

Setting - Desk and chair. Sign that reads:” Glocks Box and Clocks” Narrator is standing at side of stage.  Employee sitting at desk doing some paperwork.

(Voice off stage) And now a word from our sponsor.

Narrator : We here at Glocks Box and Clocks are well known for making the finest music boxes and cuckoo clocks in the world. To all those of you who have purchased one of our precision instruments we say “thank you”. We hope you are getting a lot of enjoyment from it.
       Today, we would like to talk to those of you who may have had a problem with one of our products. In the proud tradition of our company we believe customer satisfaction continues after the sale. You know our motto: “You ll never buy another one if you didn t like the first One”.  Now, we are going to take you to our world headquarters and show you some of the typical problems.

(A disgruntled patron enters with clock under his arm and approaches employee at desk.)

Employee: May I help you?

1: (Very loud and upset) Well, I should hope so. I bought one of your stupid clocks. And it doesn t hardly work! Look at it! (Puts it down on desk) About the only thing I can say for it is:
It gives the right time twice a day.

Em: Have you carefully followed the instructions in the manufacturers handbook?

1: No! No! I never read those things. I know all the stuff in there.

Em: It s just that we ve found most problems are covered in the handbook.

1: Well I m sure this one isn t. Just defective merchandise.

Em: Do you mind if I try to get it to work? 

1: Help yourself! It s just a waste of time though.
(Em carefully picks up clock and looks it over. Wipes off face and turns hands. Then pulls out electric cord.)

1: What s that?

Em: That s the power cord. You have to plug it in.(Plugs it in) It seems to be working just fine now.

1: (Staring at floor, embarrassed) Uhh, you wouldn t happen to have any extra copies of the manufacturers handbook I could take home and read, do you?

Em: Sure, here you are.

1: (Picks up clock and walks out)  Thanks.

Em: Have a nice day!
(Another customer enters carrying a music box)

Em:  May I help you?

2: Yes my music box doesn t work any more. It used to make such beautiful music!

Em: Have you read the manufacturer s handbook on proper care and maintenance?

2: Does looking at the pictures count?

Em: Do you mind if I have a look at it?
(Hands it to her. She looks it over. Tries winding it. Finally removes cover to look inside, and a mass of dirt falls out.)

Em: I think I may have found the problem. Where do you keep this music box?

2: Out on the patio, near the barn. So I can hear some music when the chickens come home to roost.

Em: The Manufacturer’s Handbook states that this is a delicate instrument and should be kept in a carefully controlled environment. Tell you what we ll clean and repair this and you can pick it up next week. OK?
                     
2: Yes, thank you. (leaves)

 (3rd customer enters obviously quite upset)
                     
 Em: May I help you?
                 
3: (nearly in tears) Oh, I hope so. My bird died.
                     
Em: Your... your bird?

3: Yes, my dear, sweet, innocent little cuckoo.

Em: You mean the cuckoo bird in your clock?

3: Yes, (covers eyes) no more coo.

Em: Do try to get a hold of yourself, ma m.

3: I m alright now.

Em: Have you read the manufacturer s handbook on proper care and maintenance?

3: Read? Did you say read? Why I never read. If its not on TV it must not be important.

Em: May I have a look at your bird, I mean clock? 

3: Sure. (hands it to her.)

Em: (Examines it for several seconds) I think I see the problem. The handbook recommends a drop of oil on the cuckoo mechanism once a year to keep the bird moving freely. (Adds oil) There that should do it. Ah, yes, it moves freely now. I think you ll find it working splendidly when you take it home, hang it level, and wind it properly.

3: Oh, thank you so much! (Talking to clock) Come now my little cuckoo, momma is going to take you home.

Em: (stands and faces audience) So ladies and gentlemen, if your clock isn t wound just right or you re not enjoying beautiful music, maybe it s time you referred to the manufacturer s handbook! (Walks off holding up a Bible)

End	

WHAT IS A FAMILY?
Jerry Hawn

Setting:	Typical family breakfast. They enter one at a time stretching and yawning. Father is reading paper, Mother is scurrying about putting dishes on table, junior asks Dad for funnies, and 14 yr old Jenny is deep in thought.

Dad:	Oh, look at this the market is down again!

Mom:	There, there, dear. It can t always be up. Remember last week it was up four days in a row.

Dad:	Yes, I suppose you re right. You do help me keep things in perspective.

Jr:	Dad, what time do we leave Saturday?

Dad:	Saturday? ... Oh, yes. Shopping and picking up a Christmas tree. Well, I ve been meaning to talk to all of you about that.

Mom:	Now, Herbert you’re not backing out on us again are you?

Jr:	No, Dad you can t!!

Dad:	I m awfully sorry, but I really must go into the office. Important business you know. Very important!

Jr: Not again! You never go with us!

Dad: Why, Jenny, you ve been awfully quiet this morning.

Mom: Are you feeling alright, dear?

Jen: I m alright, I m just thinking.

Jr:	Wow! Two new things at the same time! Not talking and thinking. Don t hurt yourself!

Mom: Oh, Junior hush. Now, Jenny, what s the matter?

Jen: Well, I ve been having trouble with this paper I have to write for (your school) entitled “What is a 
Family?”. I don t know why we have to have this topic anyway.

Mom: Now, (insert your school name here) is such a wonderful school. I m sure the teachers know what they re doing.

Jen: Its been on my mind so much, that I had a dream about it last night. ,~

Jr:	Not another of your crazy dreams! What was it this time? Did you become Queen of England or drive off in a Ferrari with Tom Cruise?

Jen: No, this was serious. Some of it even made sense. I was in the park.. . you know the one about 5 blocks down the street...

(Lights fade. Scene changes to a park.)

Jen: Oh, what a nice day for a walk in the park!

Statue: Hello down there.

Jen: Who said that?

Sta: It s me. (Getting down from pedestal)

Jen: How can you talk you re a statue? ‘

Sta: This is your dream - weird things always happen in dreams.

Jen: You re supposed to be a statue of George Washington, but you look like ... like my Dad!

Sta: Well, in this dream I m not a statue to the Father of our Country, but instead to the Fathers of our country. So to you I look like your Dad. (Pause) I sense something is troubling you.

Jen: Well, it s no big deal. I have this paper to write for school about what a family is, and I m looking for some real answers — not just the things you re supposed to say.

Sta: You say you re looking for answers - what are your questions?

Jen: Questions like: What holds a family together? Why can t us kids just do what we want? Why do parents boss you around all the time? Do they really love me?

Sta: Well, stick around the park and do a little people watching with me. You just might get some answers.

(Child bursts on stage trying to get a kite up. Trips and falls.) (Father with second smaller child follows, carrying kite.)

Fa: Janie, are you all right?

Ja: Yes, I think so. I almost had the kite up when I tripped.

Fa: That you did... (Fa looks around) let s sit on that park bench for a moment and rest.

Mike: Yeah, I m tired.

Fa: Mike, you sit here and hold the kite. Janie, let me see that scrape on your knee.(Looks at knee) Why it doesn t look bad at all.

Ja: Daddy, it s the other knee.

Fa: Oh, yes. Hmmmm, I think a few band-aids when we get home will make you good as new.

Ja: Don t worry it doesn t hurt.

Mike: This is really a neat kite! Thanks for helping us make it.

Ja: And I m glad you could help us fly it today.

Fa: I m glad too. I had some important work at the office, but when I tucked you in last night I realized being a dad and a husband is the most important work of all.

Ja: At school we had to write down our heroes. Some of the kids picked the President, Spiderman, or a sports star. I picked you! 

Fa: (Puts arm around her.) Thanks, I needed that.

Mike: (Pulling on father s sleeve) I m not tired anymore. Let s fly this thing.

Fa: OK one more time, let s get it way up there!

Ja: All the way to the stars!! (They run off together.)

(Children are costumed as birds. Small bird flies on stage and crashes.)
(Mother bird followed by other small birds run up to crashed bird.)

Ma: Chirpie, are you all right?

Ch: (struggles to his feet, others hold him up) Sure I m fine. (Others let go of him and he faints.)

Ma: Let him rest a minute, while I talk to the rest of you. Now, this is only your second day of learning to fly. You are not ready for fancy loop-de-loops. Chirpie just proved that. I m going to teach you everything I can, but you ve got to take it one step at a time. Chirpie was lucky, there could have been a cat where he crashed, and had him for lunch!

          All: Oh, no! Not a cat!
          
          Ma: And children what do we do with cats?

All: Stay away from cats! They will kill you!

Ma: Good! Now, back to flying. Are you going to try any fancy tricks before your wings are fully grown?

All: No, Mama.

Ma: And how are you going to fly?

All: Straight and close behind you!

Ma: Very good, children. Now get Chirpie up and lets look for a few worms on the way back to the nest.
(They work their way off stage scouting for worms)

(Man in army uniform and lady reporter with note pad in business attire enter.)

Rep: Oh, General, that was a fascinating story! You ve given me some great information for my story. My editor will be very pleased.

Gen: Well, when you ve been around as long as I have you ve seen some pretty strange things. Here s a bench, let s sit for a moment.

Rep: It s so peaceful here in the park. It s hard to imagine all the terrible destruction of war. Tell me, General, what is the worst thing you ve seen in battle?

Gen: Well, that would have to be the massacre of B company in the Italian campaign. Those memories are rather painful. You see I was only a lieutenant then, and I had trained and lived with these guys for about a year and a half.

Rep: Perhaps, I should not ask you to relive such a thing.

Gen: No, it s alright. I hope you will print it so that others will learn the importance of obedience to proper authority. Back to my story: We were just breaking out of the beachhead. Here, let me draw you a map. (Takes notepad. ) We were ordered to advance and take control of a little village. Well, there were 2 lines of approach to it. One was through an open meadow, and the other up a steep hill covered with brambles and thorns. I told the men we were to take the village by attacking up the hill, and to wait until I got back from a meeting at the command post. Before I returned, our position came under fire. One of the sergeants decided to take matters in his own bands, launching an attack on the village thru the meadow. He apparently thought it would take too much time going up the hill. What he didn t know was that the meadow was heavily mined, and surrounded by German machine gun nests. Needless to say they didn t last long in an open mine field. When I  got back my buddies were all wiped out.
	
Rep: That s terrible!

Gen: Yes, but when you print it in your story - tell the people that it is just as applicable today. Tell them it is a dangerous time we are in today. Don t despise the authority of parents, pastors, police, teachers, and others who know the dangers and are trying to point them to the best direction for winning the battles they face.

Rep: Yes, I will put that in my story.

Gen: (Looks at watch) My where has the time gone! I must be getting back. (They stand) If you have any other questions perhaps l can answer them as we make our way out of the park.

Rep: Yes, thank you, General.
(They exit)

(Family of rabbits -children in costume - rush in and hide)
(After a few seconds Mother Rabbit comes out of her hiding place)

MR: Honey, Bunny, Funny, Runny, Sonny come here at once! (They hop out of hiding up to MR)
MR: (She counts them twice, looks around and counts again.) Where s Sonny? Have any of you seen him?

All: No.

MR: Oh, it s just as I feared! That nasty dog must have gotten him. (All bury heads in paws crying)

All: Poor Sonny!

MR: I know you all thought I just didn t understand what it s like being a young rabbit. But I told you not to go over in the dog s territory because I know the danger. I had strayed there when I was young, not realizing there was an enemy there who wanted to kill me. . .Now because Sonny didn t listen, not only was he killed, but he almost led the dogs to the rest of you. OK now stay right behind me and let s see if we can get back home without the dogs picking up our trail.
(They go hopping quietly off stage.)

(Mother and daughter enter another way)

M: Yes, it is a nice day for walk, Renee. But I have a hunch you want to talk about something.
 
R: Yes, mom, I do. Let s sit down. (Sit) It s about Jim. He s not coming to church or youth meetings as much as he used to. And he s spending time with some guys that go drinking and get into trouble.

M: Sounds like your boyfriend is making some bad choices.

R: Yes, but I still like him. How important is this church stuff anyway? You and Dad weren t saved when you got married.

M: That s true, but I sure wish we would have been. We came up to the brink of divorce before we turned our hearts and home over to Jesus. You were too young to remember those awful years, I pray that you don t ever go through that.

R: What should I do?

M: Let me ask you a question. Do you love The Lord Jesus?

R: Yes, of course.

M: Is He the center of your life?

It: I try to keep Him there.

M: Does Jim feel the same way?

R: (looks down) I think I know what you re telling me.

M: I think you knew the answer before you asked, (Pause) By the way have you heard that the Browns are splitting up?

R: No, that s terrible! What happened?

M: Well, you know when your father was fixing that chair last night. He put glue on both parts first, let the glue sink in to each part, and then put them together, That s how marriages are. they need to have glue on both parts. Sometimes when stress comes it can stay together halfway glued, but it s just as likely to/come apart. The Browns came apart.

R: I remember a verse from Youth Meeting: “How can two walk together unless they agree?” If Jim and I can t agree on the most basic issue of life following Jesus, then we won t walk very far together will we?

M: Do you have strength and courage enough to go beyond your emotions?

R: I think so. Let s go home, I don t want to miss church tonight. I need to soak up some more glue. I hope the other half that God has made for me is doing the same tonight.

M: That s been the prayer of your father and mine for a very long time.
(They exit)

(Group of ducks waddle on stage quacking)
Ugly Duckling: Hey, mom, wait for me!

Mother Duck: What s the  matter?

UD: Some of the other ducklings have been making fun of me?

MD: Why?

UD: They say I m different looking. They say I m ugly.

MD: Look at me,

UD: Yes, Mom.

MD: Have I ever lied to you?

UD: No, you haven t.

MD: I m not lying now. You are not ugly. I like you just the way you are. You have more character than all those other ducklings put together. You would never try to hurt someone else s feelings. Besides, I have a feeling you ll grow up to be something really special.

UD: (Stands tall, struts a bit) Me? Special? Do you really think so?

MD: I really do. How about you and I taking a swim around the lake?
          
          UD:Can we stop and beg food from the people on the bridge?

MD:Sure. I just hope the best duckling on the lake shares with his mom. Race you!
(They waddle off)

1D: You think that duckling will amount to anything?

2D: I wouldn t doubt it. Mothers like that have a way of being right.
(Other ducks waddle off.)

(2 elderly ladies make their way on stage)
M: Agnes, look out there. Do you see the way those people are acting?

A: Why, Mildred, I know exactly what you mean. Back when we were growing up nobody even thought of carrying on that a way.

M: Or dressing like that either.

A: It sure is a different world, today.

M: Seems like there is one disaster after another.

A: It sure is a faster pace, don t seem like people hardly have time to say hello to each other - let alone build a good friendship.

M: You re absolutely right, Agnes. If I could get the whole world to stop and listen for a minute I d tell them to slow down. Talk to one another. Don t be so busy making a living that you forget to live.

A: Some of those people they need to get to know are those of their own family. Since I raised my children, I don t regret not having given them more money, clothes, or toys. I do regret telling them I was too busy to hold them on my lap, to make cookies with them, to play games on the floor, or to read them a story.

M: Yes, my husband Fred died 7 years ago this month. To all those families that are so busy, I wish I could say “Slow down. Love them now. They won t always be there,”

A: You re right, Mildred. It doesn t take long to say “I love you”.

(Lights dim)
(Voice is heard offstage) Jenny it s time to wake up.

(Lights come up to original breakfast setting)

Jen: So, that s when I woke up.

Mom: That was some dream you had.

Jr: Yeah, this one even made some sense, except for the talking animals.

Mom: Oh, look at the time you ll all be late if you don t hurry. (They..all jump up and run around gathering up coats and books -continually running into each other)

(Before they leave Jenny blocks the door)
Jen: My dream made me aware of some things. I want to say something before anyone leaves. I haven t always acted like it, but I m glad God put me in this family. And with enough of His glue I think we ll make it. I love all of you.

Dad: Jenny, I like your dream and your courage to say what you just said. And I m warning all of you, you d better be ready by 8:30 Saturday because the four of us have a big day ahead of us. A big day together!

All: Alright!! Let s go!

THE END

ANGEL TALK
 Jerry Hawn

(Names -Alcotts, etc - may be changed for other plays. This was used during a set change for Absolutely Certain.)

(Figure dressed in white walks out humming Hallelujah chorus)

A: Oh, hi! I thought I d just wait out here while they re changing the set. I m an angel. (pause) You don t really think I am one. Well I had to slow down below the speed of light so you could see me. So how do I look? (plays the audience especially the first two rows.) The Alcotts, Porters, and the others (points to stage) have kept us in the angelic group assigned to them pretty busy. Those people came this close to being cooked in a fiery furnace. Reminds me of another day with three young Hebrew men. That turned out pretty good too.
Uh oh, I think I m about to go back on duty. Shhh!
(Demon enters lurking about) (Stagehand comes in carrying a prop. Demon pushes him, trying to make him fall. Angel pops out and catches him. Then pulls out flashlight and guns down demon.)

Stagehand: Boy that was close. Lucky I caught myself. I don t know what made me trip in the first place.(looks at floor. exits)

A: Lucky! I blinded the eyes of that stagehand to our presence so you could see how little credit we angels get in taking care of you people. Oh well, it s all part of the job. I just enjoy pleasing Father God. Sometimes I wonder why He even bothers with humans anyway. They don t seem very bright. (Realizes who he s talking to.) Oh, no offense. It just seems you people get so bogged down in things that aren~t really important at all. Take money for example. (Goes to audience member) Let me see your wallet. (Takes out a fake $50 bill.) This the biggest you got? It is? (Holds it up) This is a pretty important chip for keeping score down here. But it s just paper. (Rips it up.) Up from where I come from, there are things that are really valuable. (To audience member) Oh, did you want this back? (Drops pieces in his hand.)

(Another white figure appears on stage.)

2nd A: Hey, Theonell, come on I need your help. We ve got enough people praying, so there s enough power being released for us to complete our mission with the Alcotts.

A: Great! I m coming. (Starts to leave. Turns back to audience.) Oh, I hope to see all you folks later. You do have your reservations made for heaven, don t you? You don t want to spend eternity anywhere else. Trust me - I ve seen both places. Until then. (Waves. Exits.)

Fishers of Men
Josh Hawn & Dawn McIlvain

Props:	2 fishing poles tackle boxes

Characters:	Peter & Sam
Both are dressed for
fishing - overalls rubber boots hats with lures attached

Sam is sitting on the steps casting line in front of him --toward audience. Peter walks in from side, sits down and joins Sam.
Throughout dialogue, both men remain looking at audience (pond). They don t turn around and look at each other until Sam s next to last line. Then they finally look at each other.
At the end, reel in lines, pick up tackle boxes, and walk off stage.

                Peter:	Howdy, Sam.

Sam:	Howdy, Peter. How ya doin ?

                Peter:	Mighty fine, Sam. Mighty fine. How s the fishing?

Sam:	Not so good, Peter. So far I ain t caught but two fish, and one of them was mistooken for a tadpole so I flung ~em back. Hey, I ain t seen you about for a while. Where ya been keepin ye r self?

                Peter:	I ve been at Bible college, Sam.

Sam:	At what?!?

Peter:	Bible college. I accepted Jesus into my life and God called me to be a Preacher man.

Sam:	What in Sam hill you jawin  bout, Peter? You know you don t know the first thing ‘bout God.

Peter:	I know what you re sayin  , Sam, but I think God really wants me to do this.

Sam:	But, but... Peter! Yer the best fisher in Dade County. How kin ya jist give that up?

Peter:	I m not giving anything up, Sam. If God wants me to be a minister, then that s what I ll do. But life with God isn t about givin  things up. We re talking about abundant life, Sam! That s life with all the trimmin s! Fishing isn t being taken away from me! I just get to do more than one kind of fishing now.

Sam:	Peter, what are you talking ‘bout? You know there ain t but one kind of fishin  to be done in these here parts.

Peter:	Of course I ll still be doing that, Sam. But because God changed my life, I get to be fisher of fish and a fisher of men.

Sam:	A fisher of men. A fisher of men? I m a thinkin  Peter.

Peter:	Yeah, Sam?

Sam:	Well, Peter.. .what kind of bait do ya use fer men fishin ? Can you use chicken gizzards?
	
Peter: Sam, I haint a talkin bout what fills a man’s belly, but what he needs in his heart.

Sam: I reckon that be where God comes in.

Peter: Yeah, that’s right. Jesus is the only One who can fix a busted heart.

Sam: Peter, you figure my heart needs a fixin?

Peter: Truth of the matter is everyone’s does. (Pause)
Well, Sam, how ‘bout we go stretch our legs a little while I tell ya all about it?

Sam:	Sure thing, Peter. I ain t much interested in catchin  no more tadpoles today anyway.

(They exit)